My Teen Told Me I’m Queer
That’s right, my teen told me I have a Queer identity. Not out of the blue, but after many long discussions about identity over the course of the pandemic. My teen identifies as Non-Binary and Queer which both have evolved over time. During the pandemic we had many opportunities to discuss their feelings and thoughts. I frequently received emails with articles and videos attached, courtesy of said teen. It was a pleasure to learn about my child as they explored who they truly are.
One day as my teen and I were watching something on a streaming service, there was a sex scene which I fast forwarded through. My perceptive teen asked me what was up and I answered that I have never been comfortable watching sex scenes and I honestly don’t understand why anyone would want to. It’s just never been something I have enjoyed. You better believe I got an email with three vidoes on being ACE and Demi sexual within the hour!
This idea of identity is complex and my teen coming into theirs has really forced me to look at mine. Of course I have done a lot of reading and thinking. Since I had been married and have two children, I questioned my own feelings and memories in regards to being ACE or ARO or both. ACE is often thought of as someone who never has sex and would never, but I have learned that it is a spectrum, like most things having to do with human sexuality, gender and gender expression. I have been resting on the idea that I am Aromantic for several years, because no matter whom I have tried to date, I have zero interest in it going past a first date or a friendship. Even if I had a slight attraction to a person, which is so rare it’s barely worth mentioning, I still did not want to get involved further. I definitely have said out loud that I never want to live with a man again. (I will consider exceptions for blood relatives.)
Thinking back, I recalled a conversation with my Mom when I was around 14 years old. I laid out a vision of my future. “I’m going to move to New York, become a working actor on Broadway and at 28 I will have one kid.” There was no interest in having a husband or partner of any kind. Was the kid going to pop into existence? Maybe I was going to adopt? I can’t remember the details. However, I do remember having a fairly firm notion that I did not want to be married.
I have read that some people think identifing as Aromantic or Asexual is due to being abused or suffering from a trauma. Most ACE/ARO folks would disagree with this. I do too. In fact, I think I went the other way. I ran toward a relationship because I felt abandoned and misunderstood, hoping that it would “fix me” or “complete me” or something. I understand now that I was looking for emotional support that I didn’t feel I was getting at home. I should have gotten therapy, but that didn’t happen while I was a kid, so I coped as best as I could.
As an adult going through my own divorce, I had so many people tell me to start dating again as soon as possible. I was not interested at all. In fact, I didn’t go on a date until I had been alone for five years. I finally tried dating a little because I was feeling pressure from friends and family to be “normal.” You know the old “you deserve to be happy” speech? I tried to tell them that I was decently happy by myself. No one believed me. Several terrible attempts later, I confirmed my notion that I was happier alone.
Let’s circle back to the pandemic year of 2020, when I got the pronouncement from my teen that “you know, being ACE and ARO is a Queer identity, Mom.” This came after we talked about how I fit into the ACE stereotype pretty snuggly, given my main attraction is to fictional characters. You probably laughed at that, but it makes so much sense. Apparently I am also prone to hobbies that ACE/ARO people tend to like such as gardening, animals and science fiction. Who knew? My real confirmation came when I realized that for me, being ACE/ARO is about the fact that I am not motivated by the need to pursue sex or relationships. Neither is a priority for me.
So this is my “coming out” story, abridged. I struggled about being public with what I was raised to consider “my personal business” but my teen showed me the way once again. They reminded me that everyone benefits when we are open and honest. Another ACE/ARO person may read this and realize that they are normal and there are other people out there like them.
Happy Pride month 2021.
